167 Why I am not a good daughter to my dad.. p2

nota buat semua.. Catatan ni telah kakyong tulis di Microsoftword, dan mungkin kerana terbawa2 dengan kenangan lama, maka berkajang-kajang jadinya.. lebih daripada 12 mukasurat. kerana itu, kakyong postkan sikit-sikit. Entri pertama dah dipost kan semalam. memula rasa macam nak simpan ajer apa yang ditulis, tapi bila fikir balik & disebabkan ada komen yang seolah2 anggap kakyong dengan ayah seperti bermusuh pulak jadi biarlah tulisan ini yang merungkaikan.. sebenarnya ade sebab lain kakyong menulis tentang kisah kehidupan kami yang lalu.. nanti lah akan kakyong perjelaskan dalam entri2 yang akan datang

I can’t write a lovely note like other blogger blogged about their father. How sweet if only I can have the feeling of being love by a father. How sweet if I able to have those wonderful father-daughter relationship. I'm not saying that I treat my dad as enemy, but we are not close. There is no special word in our relation, this is how I feel, most of the time dad is like strangers to me. Even I know him well, I know his good & bad..

During my primary school, when I get good grade, the way Ayahnde look at it & never show any appreciation on it, make me hurt. Susah sangat nak ajak ayahnde come for hari penyampaian hadiah.

Then, when I get 8A in SRP, Ayahnde canang satu kampong my result. But I fell shame sebab ayahnde tak pernah ucap tahniah apatah lagi beri kata-kata galakan. He just want to bragged that anak dia pandai. He has not even trying to appreciate me pun.

After SPM ayahnde not allowed me to pursue anywhere. I did stay at home, makbonda give birth to Azizan in Dec 1989. On the nite makbonda sakit nak bersalin, me & Aju went to these pakcik teksi house, I think his name is Pak berahim. So, pak berahim sent makbonda to hospital Batu Gajah.

Next morning, a policeman came to our home and told makbonda has been transferred to Hospital Ipoh, due to tumpah darah. Pakcik polis asked me to inform ayahnde. I don’t know what to do.. at home I have dekla (2 years), aju (8 years), Ani (10 years), johan (12) to care off. As advised by the police, I went to pejabat pos tanjung Tualang, send telegram to ayahnde in Johor telling him about makbonda condition & requested ayahnde to come home soon. But ayahnde only come back few months later.

I went to Ipoh. I never been to Ipoh alone. That was the 1st experience. After asking here & there, at last I reached wad bersalin Hospital Ipoh. When I reached there, it just 3 pm, not yet visiting hour, so I have to wait until 4.30 pm. Makbonda warded at ward 3, I remembered the smell is like tempat kucing beranak. Rasa nak pengsan pun yer, coz I’ve started journey from home at 11 am, & not even eat anything. The bus journey from Tanjung Tualang to Ipoh took about an hour. Then pusing2 tanya sana-sini, some more have to waiti for the bus to Hospital Ipoh.

I manage to meet makbonda. Makbonda said she is hungry. So I went to a restoren nearby, buy nasi + sayur sawi + ayam goreng. At that time I don’t know what makbonda can eat, that’s the only that I can think. After I took the uri, I straight went home. I reach home almost senja. Quickly clean the uri. We don’t have air paip, we used air telaga. So it took time to clean the uri, need to angkat the air few times.

This is what happened when almost 18 years old girl clean up the uri for the 1st time.

• Curah air banyak2, sampai semua darah bersih • Kemudian masukkan dalam besen kecik • Amik bedak sejuk , taruh banyak2 • Pastu amik lampin lama, amik pensel (supaya adik ku pandai) & balutkan sekali

I think Ee & Kebet was at home that time.. coz I recall when we buried the uri di depan laman rumah, it’s almost maghrib. Either kebet or Ee dig the hole, I put it down slowly. Then we asked each other ‘Nak baca apa ni?” ok, bantai lah bawa apa2 jer, so bacalah Alfatihah, baca 3 Qul & ayat kursi. Logik tak. Then kami bakar sabut & put on top of it.

Like the night before only me & adik-beradik at home. I cook nasi & sambal tumis kosong & makan with kicap. Our house is just next to Onyang timah house, but I dare not to go to her house to request anything. Even I feel a bit scary but buat2 lah berani, yer lah no orang tua in house. Kalo kakyong penakut, mau la adik2 tak tidur malam tu.

The next day, opahchik come to our house. She scolded me for not telling her that makbonda has bersalin. Opah chik & tokchik always treat us nicely. Opah chik is ayahnde auntie. Opah chik is opah sabariah’s sister. So that morning I went to Ipoh with opah chik & opah sabariah. Makbonda a bit terkejut, she thought I’ll come alone. So we when back to Changkat Tin by taxi. Opah chik pay for it.

During makbonda confinement, me & kebet work together to cook the kueh. We need money to survive, that’s why we still sending kueh to kedai pak aji leman. But orang kampong make rumors that ‘si zoyah tu dalam pantang pun buat kueh.’ I heard it on my own ear, then I told pak aji leman, those kueh is done by me & kebet. We only manage to cook karipap, cucur badak & kuih bom. If makbonda yang buat, the list will be more. I feel sad, because the villagers look at us macam sampah.

When the SPM result is announced, I don’t have money to go to Melaka. At that time I just need at least RM50 perjalanan pergi & balik dari Ipoh ke Melaka. But RM50 is such a big sum untuk orang miskin macam kami yang hanya dapat RM10-15 sehari dari jualan kuih.. Thanks to my best friend Norita Ramiy, she wrote a letter to me & told me about my result. Thanks Norie, you are such a wonderful friend.

I recall somewhere in year 1987, my 1st & 2nd brother get caught by police. They are trying to steal ‘tembaga’ from the electric wire at the school’s canteen. That year we are no longer staying at the mini house. We already move to a house, built on opah chik land. Besar lah juga rumah nya, but we have windows without cover. Luckily the door have the pintu. At night, we can feel the wind blowing, we only use pelita ayan. At 1st ngeri gak kot-kot tetiba terpacul wajah2 yang tidak ingin dilihat.

I remembered, it’s already dark (dah lepas maghrib pun), when kebet & Ee reach home, & all of us just want to have dinner. Our dinner that night is only bubur nasi & kicap. Beras memang dah tak cukup, so to keep everyone full, bubur nasi is the only solution.

Ohya, I was on my semester break (MRSM is using semester system), that’s why I was at home. Both of them not even have their dinner when police came to our dark house. I am the one who answer the police. When the police ask about my dad, I said “Ayah takde, ayah di Johor”

Then they told makbonda, they have to bring both of them to rumah pasung sebab depa berdua mencuri. I don’t know how makbonda feel, but I hate my Ayahnde even more at that time. He is not there when we really need him.

Thanks to the guru besar of Sek Kebangsaan Changkat Tin (SKCT), cikgu Nong Chik, he know well both of my brothers. Luckily Ee is the school football’s player. Kira kebanggaan sekolah lah masa tu. Alhamdulillah, they are released, kalo tak satu kenangan indah lah untuk budak darjah 6 & form 2 tidur kat rumah pasung.

Is my 2 brothers that bad sampai nak mencuri?! Be in our shoes, makan tak cukup, takkan hari2 nak makan nasi bubur. Nak minta tolong sedara-mara ayah, seme nya menghina sajer. Nak hulur kan sekepul beras pun siap ungkit sana sini. My brothers just want to help makbonda. Their frens told them, tembaga kalo dijual boleh dapat duit banyak. Tapi tak sempat apa2 dah kena sergah & cabut lari balik rumah. They just want to help makbonda. Thank you Allah for your Blessed or else kami makan duit haram.

My makbonda has come to Ipoh in year 1991. My ayahnde that time still working at Johor. I was studying in Kulim. Dengan izin Allah, there was hamba Allah who is generous enough to sponsor me to proceed my study. My +ve character has been developed during my study at matrik Kulim & later in UUM. Since that, I never look back. I just want to be a better person & having a good life. I really terhutang budi dengan that hamba Allah.

Ohya, I have not mentioned that in year 1989, uncle Kadir Jasin has paid for Kebet school fees. 1989, kebet supposed sambung form 4, tapi sekolah hold the result because the fees has not been paid since kebet form 1. We thought all these while ayahnde paid for it. Why uncle Kadir or should I quote it as Dato’ A Kadir Jasin,.. because his daughter is one of my friend in MRSM. Uncle Kadir paid all the debts (form 1 to form 3), on top of that uncle kadir also pay for the form 4 & form 5 fees included asrama & food. Kebet that time study at Sekolah Agama Ehyak Kg Gajah. Dulu sekolah tu buruk jer, la ni cantik dah.

Kami bukan la mengharap sangat bantuan, tapi budi baik orang terhadap kami sekeluarga memang tak terbalas. Sampai sekarang makbonda suka sangat kalo dapat tengok muka uncle kadir jasin dalam TV. Makbonda always mentioned, without uncle kadir helped ,kebet may be tak habis sekolah.

My makbonda decision to move to Ipoh in year 1991 is also a big challenge for our family. At 1st mak went to Ipoh with Ee. Alang (makbonda sister) stayed with us (may be in early 1991), so adik2 yg lain is taken care by Alang at Changkat Tin. In 1991, Makbonda get a job in a factory produce kinds of tennis racket. Ayahnde tak tahu pun bila kami semua sudah pindah ke Ipoh. Ayahnde jarang balik, setahun sekali nak balik jenguk anak pun tak. Ada @ tidak ayahnde is not a big deal to us.

In 1991, Ee is only 16, he supposedly form 4, tapi apa daya.. dia kena kerja sebab nak tolong mak. Before that Ee work in Cameron H, but since gomen make a spotcheck on underage workers, so Ee kena lah balik kampong. At the age of 16, how much he can earn plus takde kemahiran. Kebet masa tu kerja bengkel di Taiping. His earning only enough for him. So, we live dengan apa yang kami ada & I proceed my study at UUM. I never had a thought to stop my study. Never.

My MARA loan tak lah banyak mana, per semester I get about Rm1,000 after deducted all fees. So with that loan, I keep jimat-cermat.. so like my pocket money, this MARA loan also a heaven to me. I can buy a few cheap2 shirt at Changlun & Bukit Kayu Hitam for my brothers & sisters. I don’t need to minta2 extra duit from makbonda. I just need to jimat-cermat jer. I buy my 1st camera at UUM, cheap brand and I made a good money by selling photo. tapi kecil-kecilan jer la.. top up duit belanja harian. lagipun kamera tu hanya sesuai tangkap foto dalam cahaya terang jer.. kalo malam, gelap foto2nya.

In year 1992, Ayahnde rejoin us & live with us in Ipoh. I know only when I come back from my semester holiday. Makbonda is very soft-hearted. No matter what Ayahnde did to us but makbonda always give peluang pada Ayahnde. Later my 8th sibling, A’am was born in year 1993, 4 years later nyusul pulak Ainun in year 1997. I know, even Ayahnde stay with us, tapi Ayahnde takde kerja tetap, most of the time tak kerja. So makbonda still have to top up everything, daily necessity, house rental, utilities, school bus fare, school fees, etc..

Since makbonda working early in the morning & comeback at 7 pm, sometime 8 pm, so the environment that my sibling is having is not +ve. Everyday is an argument day, yang kecik besor tak habis2 bergaduh. Adik-beradik, biasalah kan. I pity Ani. Since I in UUM, Ani is the only daughter yang boleh diharap utk buat kerja rumah. Come back from school, have to amik adik from babysitter house, then masak apa yang patut di rumah & kemas2 rumah. In 1992, Ani is only 13. So the 4 years of my study at UUM, that was also a night mare years for Ani. I can’t repay that moment. I’m sorry Ani.

Ayahnde may be hurt us inside, but the other half beat us. That’s the main reason I want to stay away from home. I don’t mind doing all the house chores, but I can’t stand being beaten. I know why my mom beat us, the challenge & the life pressure, raising kids on her own without moral support from anyone. Even makbonda is strong but makbonda only human.

Allah plan it well for Ani, she quit school at form 4. She can’t focus on study with our home environment. Then she get a job at pasaraya, later work at factory. Meet a boyfren & later in 1997, at age 18 ,on Ainun birth day, Ani get married. Now (2009), blessed a good husband with 3 sons, mamat, nasrul & aqil. She realised she don't have good education & not even habis sekolah, so anak2 she sent to chinese school.

Back on my story about Ayahnde.

I recall when I just started earning my 1st income, Ayhande always minta duit. Sometime minta my atm card. Kata nak amik Rm50, tapi bila I check he withdraw more. I just trying to be a good daughter. But then, hati yang selalu dilukai & tidak dihargai, punya batas kesabaran. I’ve started thinking about my future, so I need to start saving or I would rather say to save more.

So I’ve started jadi anak kedekut. If ayahande asked for money, I just said I need it for other usage. Ayahnde also nagging the same with my 1st & 2nd brother. Kebet is a kind of generous. He don’t mind to give some to Ayahnde.

Ee is kind of kedekut & pendendam, just like me maybe or even worst. Kebet is generous sebab dia sekolah agama. Ade background agama di situ. Ee pulak sekolah sampai form 2 jer.. pastu dah harus berdikari cari duit sendiri.. nak sekolah tapi ayah tipu2.. sudahnya tak sekolah sampai tua. Rezeki dialah sekarang dapat kerja gomen.. itu pun bukan jalan singkat.

But the critical years come for Ayahnde. In year 1996 – 1999, 4 of us dah kerja. Me, kebet, Ee & Johan. So ayahnde tend to menuai hasil dari anak-anak. But all of us only give money to makbonda.

Ayahnde mula ungkit2 & cakap yg anak2 tak hormat dia. I can’t keep all those hurt I carry for years anymore.. So I pour out all my sickness, I told how sad i feel coz ayahnde never changed and never carry out his responsibility, he keep blaming anak-anak for not giving him money. Supposedly we are the one yang patut blame ayahnde for neglecting us all this while.

so apa yang kecoh sangat nak ambil hasil keringat kami if all these while we have to think on our own how to earn a living. Makbonda has scarify a lot for us. Even makbonda beat us, tapi makbonda suap nasi ke mulut kami. Tapi ayahnde….

to be continued

kalo suka dengan n3 ni, sila tekan yer..!!