169 Why I am not a good daughter to my dad.. p3

Nota untuk semua ~ bila sesuatu entri ditulis dengan cara yang negatif, memang mudah kita membuat andaian begitu dan begini.. Agaknya masih ramai lagi kah yang ingin terus berkawan dengan daku setelah membaca part 1 & part 2.. daku masih belum menghabiskan cerita, belum membuat apa2 kesimpulan.

Ohya, maafkan penggunaan bahasa dalam entri yang tidak konsisten. Kakyong memang ingin membahasamelayukan semua nya, tetapi Aliya asyik nak melekap ajer.. jadi takde ruang untuk membuat editing.

At UUm I took elective paper called social psychology. I did a lot of reading during my day in campus. I looked for a solution for the problem that I’m facing. I was trying to understand why ayahnde is like that & why makbonda being that way & yet stand still & strong. Why people behave strangely at certain period of time. I didn’t get the perfect answer but at least I understand something. I learn to accept it slowly over time. It has not been an easy job. I’m not looking for perfection but merely improvement in myself and my family.

Somewhere in year 1999, I have a big argument with ayahnde just because I suggested to makbonda & Ayahnde to put my siblings name to the house title. The house was bought using my partial of my study loan as deposit. Of course makbonda investment on the house is much more comparing to Ayahnde. Whatever it is, I think I’ll be considered as harta sepencarian ayahnde & makbonda.

Well okay, that was my big mistake. I shouldn’t have touched any of Ayahnde property. Memandai2 jer nak cadangkan hal2 yang menaikkan kemarahan ayahnde. But I am the one that paying the monthly installment. It’s only a small low cost house. I don’t see any harm if our name is in the title. But ayahnde said., I should not campurtangan dengan harta dia. And ayahnde even said, I would never get a single cent from him. I was chased out from the house, but I keep staying there until year 2001. Budak degil & keras kepala.

Well okay, I was not that hard-up with ayahnde property or his money. So I stop paying the monthly installment. But I know, end up makbonda will need to pay the installment. I still giving makbonda enough money to top up whatever expenses require. In year 2001, my youngest sister Ainun is just 4 years old, A’am is 8, Jijan is 12, Dekla is 14. But Jijan still with his bapak angkat family.

After few consideration on kakwani’s advise,” dok dekat bau tahi, dok jauh bau bunga.. “ so dengan berat hati, I leave my parent house. I start new life & having my own circle of friend. Thanks to my tamrin’s friend, kak wani, kak nor, kak finaz, kak ain, kak yati, zurim, amoy, najwa, tini, azie… you all the best friend I ever had. I miss you all. I miss our pot luck & get together time. I will write a special entry for the friendship I treasure with my tamrin’s friend.

** Actually, I have poured out my frustration in muslimat-net as early in year 1999… that was the turning point.. I love all the good advises I received.. I love the friendship extended to me… thank you for helping & guiding me to be a good daughter… I rather say being a good person.. now still trying hard to be good muslim.. ***

Actually, I try to retreive my writing on my dad in year 1999 in muslimat-net. But I could not go thru the arkib.. it’s need a password.. huhuhhh.. sedeynya.. kalo tak boleh tunjuk tulisan lama daku yang masa itu memang ditulis masa hati tengah frust & kecewa sangat2.

Kak wani & the tamrin team have given me a tremendous support. I love all the good words & encouragement. Thank you, you all really great.

I leave my parent house not just because ayahnde chased me out, but me also have some misunderstanding with makbonda. It’s really sad being in the position when you’re disowned by your parent. Upon knowing the news that I’m staying on my own, Ani is the 1st yang dok keep asking me, why, why, why..!! She suspected I have argument with makbonda. Hmm, tengok lah…

I once told her, ‘masa akan menjawab semua persoalan.’

I rented a room at a house near Pejabat Pos Kg Tawas in year August 2001. May be because of my bad relationship with Ayahnde, I became skeptical on men. Susah nak percaya lelaki, May be sebab tu lah semua relationship tak menjadi. Allah knows best. Until I meet my husband..

I moved to the new home with my friend Ummie Noor. Noor, If not because of you may be I’ll still staying in my parent house. Hari2 datang kerja dengan muka bermasalah. Thank you, you have made my day.

Noor & me working in the same company. Noor is a new marketing employee. She’s travelling from Mambang diawan to Ipoh, so to save duit minyak, she’s looking for a room to rent. So at last we end up being a roommate. We rented a room at RM80 per month. So sorang RM40 jer.

Alhamdulillah, dok berjauhan (tak sampai 2 km pun…) membantu memulihkan hubungan dengan makbonda & ayahnde. I did come back once in a while… But makbonda come to my house more often. I still give money to makbonda.

To some of my friend, I’ve been too much pampering my parent with my money. I don’t mind at all, whatever people wants to say.. let it be. May be, that’s the only chances I ever have to ease my mom burden. The most important is my brothers & sisters can go to school like their friend. At least they don’t need to have a bad life like the 6 of us. At least they have proper attire, nice food to eat & no need to think how to earn money.

I do have a friend that advised me, to save my salary instead of giving away to parent, as if I never think or plan for my future. “Ko bagi dua ratus sebulan udah lah Bib, selebih tu baik ko simpan, masuk bond ke, melabur saham ker.. ko ni bukan tak reti nak urus duit.. tapi ko asyik pikir hal adik2 ko jer. Ko ingat nanti diorang hargai ko ke sok-sok hari”

Hmm.. it’s really a dilemma? To give less or just maintaining the amount given? I’ve planning to buy a house & in year 2003 I’ve signed the agreement. The new housing area is just next to makbonda house. Rumah yang dok sekarang ni la. So at last, I make my decision ~ tak pe lah, selagi tak kahwin, bagi jer lah mak banyak tu.. nanti kalo dah kawin (kot iyer aku kahwin) takut plak tak dapat nak memberi. Alhamdulillah, I'm married in year 2005.

Well, back to my dad ~ why my Ayahnde be like that???

Ayahnde is the 2nd son of Opah sabariah. Ayahnde’s father, atuk Mahmud have 2 wife, opah sabariah is the no2. Atok Mahmud never raised ayahnde. Ayahnde have been staying with onyang timah since his childhood. Onyang timah is opah sabariah’s mother. So my ayahnde has not been raised by a father . My ayahnde never shared anything he has with others. Whatever he wants & need, onyang Timah will provide it for him. If ayahnde don’t have money, he will ask it from Opah Cu or Opah chik. Opah sabariah is often not around to look after my ayahnde.

Opah sabariah married again after divorced with atok Mahmud. I never knew atok Mahmud, nor seen his foto. Opah sabariah has 2 son with the 2nd marriage. One is pakcik Ery & the youngest is pakcik kintan. I don’t know their real fullname. This both uncle has disowned us from being their relative. Even dengan ayahnde also they declare putus saudara. Too bad. It's already 7 to 8 years.

Pakcik ery has a daughter. I think she is about 6-7 years younger than me. I never met her since she got married. Even I have forgotten her name. Too bad. May be if bertembung di mana2, mungkin daku sudah tidak kenal sepupu ku itu. Sedih nyer.

Pakcik kintan, he was adopted by his father relative. Opah sabariah never raised him. Mak said, pakcik kintan is 12-13 years younger from ayahnde. So as at now, may be pakcik kinta is in his early 40. I have not heard about him since opah sabariah passed away in 2002.

Sian kat kami, kalo tak mesti meriah lagi sambutan raya.. bukan setakat balik 40 rantai (Makbonda hometown), Changkat tin (ayahnde hometown) & changkat jering (Toksu house), tapi juga boleh ke Kuala Dipang (pakcik ery) & Bukit Pekan (pakcik kintan) or may be Kampung Gajah (anak2 atok Mahmud yang lain, yang kami langsung tak kenal).

I have no ideas what happened between ayahnde & atok Mahmud. But ayahnde never introduce us with any of his sibling from atok Mahmud’s 1st wife. Even we ask about it, ayahnde not interested to talk about it. So the story will just end like that, no futher conversation.

However, recently I heard that my father’s younger brother (from atok mahmud’s 1st wife) is looking for ayahnde. Ku tumpang gembira mendengar berita ini. I always want to get-to-know-closely with my ayahnde extention family. I hope ayahnde terbuka hati to renew the relationship.. I knew ayahnde has lot of relative in Kg Gajah. If ayahnde tak mau.. tak per.. but I want… I want to know who is/are my extention cousin..

As makbonda told me, adik-beradik ayahnde from the 1st wife yang masih hidup is 3. Total semua may be 5 or 6, I’m not so sure.

Make a simple calculation, say ayahnde ade 6 beradik, sorang ade 5 anak.. so, how money cousin that I have… the uncover cousin. Dah 30.. kalau separuh daripada 30 has been married & ade 2@ 3 anak, then how many 2pupu yang anak2 daku ade… kalau buat reunion anak2 & cucu2 atok Mahmud sajer… berapa da…. * this is only my angan2…*

Ok,berbalik kes ayahnde ku tadi.. & also let’s focus on being a good parent.

I personally think that to be a good parent not only need a knowledge but also determination. You have a good knowledge, but your bad memories keep hunting you, it will make you weak. But if you have knowledge, courage & very determine in every action, so I’m sure you can be a good parent. This is what I always tell myself. I will try & always want to give the best for my kids. That’s why I quit my job. Even I love my career very much, but I love my kids even more.

I can’t accept the reason ~ because my father neglected me, so I can’t be good father/parent. To me this is not a reason, but an escapism. Pity kan orang macam ni.. yer lah, pity my ayahnde.

Daku & adik-adik tidak memaafkan ayahnde?

We did forgive him.. we even has special session on it. But to make it come true, I took me years to get the rest to accept ayahnde the way he is. So, at as today, we has no say, Ayahnde want to stay at Ipoh or he want to work & stay at other place. We do not that mesra, but whatever he is, he still our father.

If he sick, we do whatever we can do, send to hospital @ bawa berubat kemana2.. satu jer yg daku tak tahan.. dalam keadaan daku tak kerja ni pun, ayahnde masih nak minta duit. Rasa2 antara adik ku yang menjadi banker ayahnde adalah si Aju. Aju ni memang baik orangnya. Tapi kadang2, ade juga Aju cerita padaku.. “kume gaji pun tak dapat lagi, ayah dah minta duit…”

Daku sendiri pun kadang2 tak faham, banyak mana pun kami bagi duit pada ayahnde, semua nya habis macam tu je. Daku tak kesah kalo ayahnde guna duit tu buat beli beras ke, beli ikan ke sayur untuk adik2 kat rumah makan.. kadang2 daku pun dah malas nak amik pusing, ntah apa yang ayahnde buat dengan duit tu. Gaji ayahnde pun habis camtu jer..

As the eldest, I always wants all my sibling to be united & care off each other. Even ayahnde never trying to improve his relation with us, but I encourage my siblings, specially Ee berbaik-baik dengan ayahnde. After all, ayahnde is still our father. We need to accept the fact.

Ee is the one yang paling susah nak terima ayahnde semula. (not apply anymore for 2009 situation) He keep blaming ayahnde for ignoring his education & future. I keep telling Ee (back to year 2002 or much more ealier), you are no longer a kid, you are adult. Ade akal, boleh berfikir & dah ade kemampuan untuk mencari sendiri ilmu yang tak dapat dulu. Jadi, cari ilmu tu sendiri, tak guna nak salahkan orang tua dah.

But as for education & responsibility.. I think ayah has not being fair to us. Onyang Timah sekolahkan ayah sampai ayah masuk King Edward V. King Edward V bukan calang2 sekolah. Ayah dapat biasiswa persekutuan, mungkin Allah lebih tahu apa yang tersirat di sebalik semua yang telah kami lalui, terutama untuk kami berenam, me, kebet, Ee, Johan, Aju & Ani.

Masa kami kecik ayahnde always said that we only make his life difficult. He always blames us. Sian kat kami. Tapi hanya kerana ayahnde buat kami macam ni, takkan lah kami pun nak jadi macam ayahnde. I know very well, all my siblings (whoever married) always want the best for our kids. And kami pun tak pernah pulak nak ajar anak2 benci atok depa.

But why I write this..

supaya anak-anak ku boleh menerima cerita ini dengan berlapang dada. Supaya dapat menjawab pertanyaaan yang sepert "ibu, kenapa atok tak dok dengan opah?" "kenapa otaok dok jauh"

Ibu juga bukan yang terbaik. Tapi ibu cuba buat yang terbaik untuk fikri & adik2. Dalam hidup ni, ada ketika kita harus juga mengetahui hakikat yang pedih. Hmm, mungkin cara ibu ni tak seperti ibu2 yang lain.. yang hanya nak cerita yang best2 sahaja.

Yang lepas & dah terjadi memang tak boleh nak diganti. Tapi hati2 yg dah ditakik ni tetap berbekas juga lukanya. Kami cuba jadikan teladan dengan apa yang kami lalui. Ayahnde sampai sekarang pun tak duduk dekat dengan mak. Ayahnde tetap biarkan mak cari duit sendiri. Sekarang ni A’am masih di Form 4 & Ainun pulak tahun ni UPSR.

Tahu tak.. masa di kampus dulu, ade sorang kawan ni sanggup putus kawan dengan daku bila dia tahu adik2 daku SPM pangkat 3, dan ade yang SRP pun takde. Dia ingat selama ni daku anak orang senang & seme adik-beradik pandai2 macam daku. Kesian kan, suka2 jer orang nak buat andaian gitu gini tentang daku & sesenang jer dia nak kawan @ tidak dengan daku. Nasib daku lah kan..

Kebet, my 1st brother yang sekarang ni sedang bergelut antara study, kerja & rumahtangga. Setelah umur mencecah 36 baru dapat peluang untuk menggengam ijazah. Insya Allah, rezeki anak-anak tu sentiasa ada untuk mereka yang berusaha.

Yang sedikit terkilan dihati, sebab dah tak dapat nak bantu ringankan beban kewangan makbonda. Rumah yang ayahnde dok rebut2 kan tu, tahun 2009 ni makbonda dah bayar habis guna duit EPF makbonda. Urusan seterusnya, daku serahkan pada makbonda & kebet. Daku dah tak mahu nak mencelah apa2 pasal rumah itu lagi.

Baru2 ni (bulan lepas) ayahnde ade balik, sempat juga singgah ke rumah daku. Aliya melalak semahu-mahunya sebab tak kenal atoknnye. So, daku pun hint2 jugak lah, balik ajer lah duduk di Ipoh, dekat dengan anak cucu.

Ntahlah, kalo berjauhan itu lebih baik, then daku tiada apa nak kata. Sebab daku pun dah biasa hidup tanpa ayah, tak pernah rapat, tak kenal pun erti rindu, biasa2 ajer.

kalo suka dengan n3 ni, sila tekan yer..!!