165 Why I am not a good daughter to my dad .. p1

These few days, during my blogwalking, I’ve seen and read most of entries written about Father. Yes, this Jun is Father’s day, that’s why they are writing about their daddy. How wonderful their daddy is, how close their relation is, and all those beautiful memories about their beloved father is written well. Touchy & happy moment to be recall, without their daddy there are nobody.

Sadly *not wanting to be hypocrite*, I really don’t have a feeling of being close to Ayahnde. I don’t share special feeling as others have. I even regard my case as I have a dad but he is no where to be found in my heart.

Pity me kan. Pity than I don’t know how to love a father. I don’t know how to appreciate a father. Sungguh kasihan budak ini, sesudah 37 tahun masih miskin hati. Tapi daku hanya miskin hati dengan ayahnde, tidak dengan orang lain.

May some will say, I’m a bad daughter, ‘anak tak solehah’, ‘anak derhaka’, is it really difficult to love a father. As many of my friend keep telling me, “maafkan lah ayah kamu Bib”, “Doakanlah Ayah”. “Jadilah anak solehah.” Yes, I do, I have forgave my dad, it's just that I can't forget.

I have tried hard to be a good daughter. But I can’t put off all the sad memories I ever had. During my primary school, Ayahnde never give me any encouragement in my studies. Event I get good result, ayahnde always say, “alah, esok lusa ntah ntah FAIL.”

Ayahnde did challenge me, if I get 5A for Penilaian Darjah 5, he promised to bring me to Penang. I did. I get 5A. But Ayahnde never fulfill his promised. We were staying in KT that time. That was the first time I feel hurt.

Later, I get consolation prize from yayasan Terengganu for getting 5A. I can’t recall how much the amount, may be RM100 or RM200. I received it in Dec 1984. Which later Ayahnde ask me to use the money to pay for my form 1 fees. I feel so bad, because I have to withdraw the money from my BSN a/c at Pejabat Pos Seberang Takir. Not only paying form 1 fees but also to top up my books, uniform and my other necessity.

I am only 13. I cry, cry and cry. I keep asking why Ayahnde do not want to pay for my fees. Why I need to withdraw my money. I only have a little savings, I want to have more savings, I never thought Ayahnde will force me to withdraw the money. That’s my 1st luka di hati.

Later, somewhere in Mar 1985, we go back to Ayahnde hometown. Ayahnde resigned from army after 10 years of service. At 1st we stay at Onyang Timah house. During the 1st month, everything seems okay. But later we have to move out and ayahnde rented a small room with a little extension for kitchen area. I would rather call it a mini house for us to live together. The mini house is just a few meter from Sek Kebangsaan Changkat Tin. Now (2009), you will no longer see the mini house.

There are 6 of us that time, Me, Kebet, Ee, johan, ani & aju. I am in form 1, kebet in standard 6, Ee in standard 4, Johan in standard 2, Ani in tadika, and Aju is just 4 years old.

Ayahnde get his gratuity service money. Makbonda asked if Ayahnde could spare each of us RM1K. Mak only requested RM6k, to be keep in our (anak2) savings a/c. But Ayahnde remark is ‘Ni duit aku, pasal apa pulak nak bagi pada anak2.’ Fine. None of us get the share.

Ayahnde bought a small van. He said he want to do business , jual barang2 basah like ikan, sayur2 kampung, etc. Makbonda want to follow & assist Ayahnde in the business. But Ayahnde said, no need. Fine.

But, later on, nothing much hasil yang dapat. Makbonda gadaikan barang emas, so that I can go to MRSM. Makbonda withdraw all her savings in BSN and give to Ayahnde, so that Ayahnde can use it during our journey to Melaka. Pity makbonda.

If possible Ayahnde not even want me to study in MRSM. Coz it will cost a lot and me really ‘menyusahkan ayahnde’. But I manage to go, Terima kasih Makbonda.

My days in MRSM.. I’m sort of lonely, passive, quiet, soft spoken, not very good in discussion. Until my teachers always need to do extra ‘tepuk bahu’… heii habibah, please be active, please participate.please cheer up!

Being in a good school, I’m supposed to be in good shape, but I am not. I’m a kind yang sangat2 merendah diri, afraid to give my opinion. I rather keep quiet than speak my mind aloud. Pity me kan, Penakut, pemalu dan segala yang -ve tu daku lah itu. Masa tu lah, bukan sekarang.

Actually, life in MRSM is among the best memories I ever had. I always want to be in a boarding school. I really want it, because I don’t have to do housework, I don’t have to wake up so early in the morning to help makbonda with the cooking. I don’t have to wash the pinggan-mangkuk & basuh kain baju adik2. I don’t have to listen to makbonda nagging. I don’t have to lipat kain baju yang menimbun. The best thing is I can study at peace, at a very comfortable place. I don’t have a desk at home. I don’t eat nice food at home. I don't have a katil at home, most of the time tidur berhimpit2. How I feel grateful for being MRSM student.Thank you Allah.

Back to ayahnde stories, life at kampong doesn’t give good income, to tell the truth Ayahnde has not given makbonda enough money. The business not good, Ayahnnde sold the van sbb tak dapat nak bayar hutang bank.

My siblings & makbonda never had good food. If we have rice & fish & sayur kampong which easily kutip at semak2, that will be good enough. Most of the time only nasi & ikan kering. Kadang2 nasi dan kicap. Pity kan my siblings. So this will be the answer why my 1st brother @ kebet @ hubby miela77 do not want to have more kids. If any of you is following miela77, you might have read entry which miela77 has mentioned that her husband do not want to have ramai anak.

We have been living in bad shape. We have bad memories on how we grow up. We never had new shirt for raya. If people donated, then we will have one. I keep my pocket money to buy cheap t-shirt for my younger brothers and sisters. I even have to use my pocket money to pay for my SRP & SPM fees. Also my tambang pergi balik to & flow Ipoh Melaka is from my pocket money. Thanks MARA for given me a pocket money of RM15 per month, for 5 years. Sometime when I have extra pocket money, I used it to buy chicken, so that all of us can have good meals.

Where is my Ayahnde that time? I would rather say he is no way to be found physically nor spiritually. Makbonda is making kuih & working hard to make up our living comfortable. Our definition of comfortable is ‘dapat makan nasi & sambal pun cukup.’ Dapat pergi sekolah dengan kasut koyak pun cukup. Even my brother johan, he eat nasi with minyak ikan almost every day until he become so gemuk.. later we called him GEMUK @ MOK. Until now, some of his fren will ask, why we call him MOK. When we tell he used to be a fatty boy, none of his frens seems to believe it.

After reading up to this line, can you get the ideas why I can’t @ not able to appreciate my Ayahnde, the way you people do. Did you get the ideas why I am not a good daughter to my dad.

My makbonda has supposedly mengadu hal Ayahnde to Pejabat Agama since we’re still young, tapi sebab seorang pak haji kat kampong tu kata, ‘tak per dia tak balik, nanti dia balik lah tu.’

Tapi saper nak tolong jawab bila tak bagi nafkah. Didikan anak-anak terabai. Saper nak jawab?!!

I 1st learn about solat from my Alang, my makbonda’s sister. Alang jahit kan telekung, Alang lah yang banyak ajar pasal bacaan solat. Ayahnde tak pernah amik tahu pun tentang didikan agama anak-anak. Anak-anak nak jadi apa pun, ayahnde tak kesah. Anak-anak tak makan pun lagi ayahnde tak kesah. Kalo anak-anak nak berhenti sekolah, lagi ayahnde suka.

Melampau sangat kah statement ku ini!!! I just want to write it. If may be one day I’ve forgotten why I can’t love my ayahnde, this will be the note of reminder.

to be continued..

kalo suka dengan n3 ni, sila tekan yer..!!