Saturday, June 20, 2009

Home » , » 165 Why I am not a good daughter to my dad .. p1

165 Why I am not a good daughter to my dad .. p1

These few days, during my blogwalking, I’ve seen and read most of entries written about Father. Yes, this Jun is Father’s day, that’s why they are writing about their daddy. How wonderful their daddy is, how close their relation is, and all those beautiful memories about their beloved father is written well. Touchy & happy moment to be recall, without their daddy there are nobody.

Sadly *not wanting to be hypocrite*, I really don’t have a feeling of being close to Ayahnde. I don’t share special feeling as others have. I even regard my case as I have a dad but he is no where to be found in my heart.

Pity me kan. Pity than I don’t know how to love a father. I don’t know how to appreciate a father. Sungguh kasihan budak ini, sesudah 37 tahun masih miskin hati. Tapi daku hanya miskin hati dengan ayahnde, tidak dengan orang lain.

May some will say, I’m a bad daughter, ‘anak tak solehah’, ‘anak derhaka’, is it really difficult to love a father. As many of my friend keep telling me, “maafkan lah ayah kamu Bib”, “Doakanlah Ayah”. “Jadilah anak solehah.” Yes, I do, I have forgave my dad, it's just that I can't forget.

I have tried hard to be a good daughter. But I can’t put off all the sad memories I ever had. During my primary school, Ayahnde never give me any encouragement in my studies. Event I get good result, ayahnde always say, “alah, esok lusa ntah ntah FAIL.”

Ayahnde did challenge me, if I get 5A for Penilaian Darjah 5, he promised to bring me to Penang. I did. I get 5A. But Ayahnde never fulfill his promised. We were staying in KT that time. That was the first time I feel hurt.

Later, I get consolation prize from yayasan Terengganu for getting 5A. I can’t recall how much the amount, may be RM100 or RM200. I received it in Dec 1984. Which later Ayahnde ask me to use the money to pay for my form 1 fees. I feel so bad, because I have to withdraw the money from my BSN a/c at Pejabat Pos Seberang Takir. Not only paying form 1 fees but also to top up my books, uniform and my other necessity.

I am only 13. I cry, cry and cry. I keep asking why Ayahnde do not want to pay for my fees. Why I need to withdraw my money. I only have a little savings, I want to have more savings, I never thought Ayahnde will force me to withdraw the money. That’s my 1st luka di hati.

Later, somewhere in Mar 1985, we go back to Ayahnde hometown. Ayahnde resigned from army after 10 years of service. At 1st we stay at Onyang Timah house. During the 1st month, everything seems okay. But later we have to move out and ayahnde rented a small room with a little extension for kitchen area. I would rather call it a mini house for us to live together. The mini house is just a few meter from Sek Kebangsaan Changkat Tin. Now (2009), you will no longer see the mini house.

There are 6 of us that time, Me, Kebet, Ee, johan, ani & aju. I am in form 1, kebet in standard 6, Ee in standard 4, Johan in standard 2, Ani in tadika, and Aju is just 4 years old.

Ayahnde get his gratuity service money. Makbonda asked if Ayahnde could spare each of us RM1K. Mak only requested RM6k, to be keep in our (anak2) savings a/c. But Ayahnde remark is ‘Ni duit aku, pasal apa pulak nak bagi pada anak2.’ Fine. None of us get the share.

Ayahnde bought a small van. He said he want to do business , jual barang2 basah like ikan, sayur2 kampung, etc. Makbonda want to follow & assist Ayahnde in the business. But Ayahnde said, no need. Fine.

But, later on, nothing much hasil yang dapat. Makbonda gadaikan barang emas, so that I can go to MRSM. Makbonda withdraw all her savings in BSN and give to Ayahnde, so that Ayahnde can use it during our journey to Melaka. Pity makbonda.

If possible Ayahnde not even want me to study in MRSM. Coz it will cost a lot and me really ‘menyusahkan ayahnde’. But I manage to go, Terima kasih Makbonda.

My days in MRSM.. I’m sort of lonely, passive, quiet, soft spoken, not very good in discussion. Until my teachers always need to do extra ‘tepuk bahu’… heii habibah, please be active, please participate.please cheer up!

Being in a good school, I’m supposed to be in good shape, but I am not. I’m a kind yang sangat2 merendah diri, afraid to give my opinion. I rather keep quiet than speak my mind aloud. Pity me kan, Penakut, pemalu dan segala yang -ve tu daku lah itu. Masa tu lah, bukan sekarang.

Actually, life in MRSM is among the best memories I ever had. I always want to be in a boarding school. I really want it, because I don’t have to do housework, I don’t have to wake up so early in the morning to help makbonda with the cooking. I don’t have to wash the pinggan-mangkuk & basuh kain baju adik2. I don’t have to listen to makbonda nagging. I don’t have to lipat kain baju yang menimbun. The best thing is I can study at peace, at a very comfortable place. I don’t have a desk at home. I don’t eat nice food at home. I don't have a katil at home, most of the time tidur berhimpit2. How I feel grateful for being MRSM student.Thank you Allah.

Back to ayahnde stories, life at kampong doesn’t give good income, to tell the truth Ayahnde has not given makbonda enough money. The business not good, Ayahnnde sold the van sbb tak dapat nak bayar hutang bank.

My siblings & makbonda never had good food. If we have rice & fish & sayur kampong which easily kutip at semak2, that will be good enough. Most of the time only nasi & ikan kering. Kadang2 nasi dan kicap. Pity kan my siblings. So this will be the answer why my 1st brother @ kebet @ hubby miela77 do not want to have more kids. If any of you is following miela77, you might have read entry which miela77 has mentioned that her husband do not want to have ramai anak.

We have been living in bad shape. We have bad memories on how we grow up. We never had new shirt for raya. If people donated, then we will have one. I keep my pocket money to buy cheap t-shirt for my younger brothers and sisters. I even have to use my pocket money to pay for my SRP & SPM fees. Also my tambang pergi balik to & flow Ipoh Melaka is from my pocket money. Thanks MARA for given me a pocket money of RM15 per month, for 5 years. Sometime when I have extra pocket money, I used it to buy chicken, so that all of us can have good meals.

Where is my Ayahnde that time? I would rather say he is no way to be found physically nor spiritually. Makbonda is making kuih & working hard to make up our living comfortable. Our definition of comfortable is ‘dapat makan nasi & sambal pun cukup.’ Dapat pergi sekolah dengan kasut koyak pun cukup. Even my brother johan, he eat nasi with minyak ikan almost every day until he become so gemuk.. later we called him GEMUK @ MOK. Until now, some of his fren will ask, why we call him MOK. When we tell he used to be a fatty boy, none of his frens seems to believe it.

After reading up to this line, can you get the ideas why I can’t @ not able to appreciate my Ayahnde, the way you people do. Did you get the ideas why I am not a good daughter to my dad.

My makbonda has supposedly mengadu hal Ayahnde to Pejabat Agama since we’re still young, tapi sebab seorang pak haji kat kampong tu kata, ‘tak per dia tak balik, nanti dia balik lah tu.’

Tapi saper nak tolong jawab bila tak bagi nafkah. Didikan anak-anak terabai. Saper nak jawab?!!

I 1st learn about solat from my Alang, my makbonda’s sister. Alang jahit kan telekung, Alang lah yang banyak ajar pasal bacaan solat. Ayahnde tak pernah amik tahu pun tentang didikan agama anak-anak. Anak-anak nak jadi apa pun, ayahnde tak kesah. Anak-anak tak makan pun lagi ayahnde tak kesah. Kalo anak-anak nak berhenti sekolah, lagi ayahnde suka.

Melampau sangat kah statement ku ini!!! I just want to write it. If may be one day I’ve forgotten why I can’t love my ayahnde, this will be the note of reminder.

to be continued..

kalo suka dengan n3 ni, sila tekan yer..!!

25 kawan ibu yang hebat:

wansteddy said...

dugaan yg maha hebat makbonda k.yong hadapi dari muda... Tp baguslah anak2 semuanya berjaya walaupn hidup susah masa kecik.

MAMASYAZA said...

sedih bila baca n3 ni. masing2 ada pengalaman yg tersendiri

ummumishkah said...

Speechless! Berat mata memandang berat lagi bahu yang memikul kan! Tapi UM yakin mesti Allah gantikan suami yang terbaik buat kak yong menggantikan kasih ayahanda...

atty's said...

sedih entry yong nie..

kty dah takde ayah..tp saat terakhir hayat abah.kty dpt tunaikan permintaan dia.kira tak terkilan masa dia pergi..

happy father's day to all father in the world

yatie chomeyl said...

kak yong, i never thought that di sebalik keceriaan kak yong selama ni, ada duka dalam..kuat ok...cayang kyong sokmo

Dayah said...

salam kakyong..
mcm kata yatie,saya pun tak sangka disebalik keceriaan kyong, ada terselit duka yg amat sgt...
msg2 ada kisah hidupnya.. Allah dtgkan ujian dlm pelbagai bentuk...

saya pun kdg2 tengok ayah org lain yg memanjakan anak depa dgn segala2nya,rapat dgn anak.. terbit juga rasa irihati kerana ayah saya tidak pandai semua itu..lepas mama tiada, saya pegang pesanan mama agar jaga papa

NORHAYATI BERAHIM said...

Yong..
I know this is painful, you forgive him but I know you don't forgive him for the pain he caused to your mom. At least Yong, Yong tak kena pijak, tak kena hantuk kepala ke dinding..this happened to me. But I always doa for my father yong. Im always hope one day he will changed. Alhamdulliah..doa senjata yang paling ampuh. Bukalah hati memaafkan, buanglah kenangan itu dan satu masa nanti rezeki Yong lebih murah, hidup Yong lebih baik kerana masih menyayangi ayah yang jarang berbuat baik dengan Yong.
Dok akak buat Yong..Amin. (sebab itu akak tak buat entry untuk ayah akak sempena hari bapa, sebab tak mahu melukakan sesiapa dan sebab itu akak rasa suami akak adalah ayah yang terbaik di dunia).

sya said...

salam kak yong,
hmm, sedih nya baca...
tak pe kak yong,
doakan semoga dia berubah...

U-jin said...

pity kak yong n sibling.......emm..apa2 pong kak yong doakan yg baik2 jer yer..alhamdullilah finally k.yong sukses dlm hidup....hope one day ayahnda k.yong berubah..doakan jelar dia...cam ujin ni baru sgt kehilangan ayah...sedeh x terkata..mesti ade one part yg k.yong leh ingat saat manis ngan diakan....

Ummi Salsabila said...

sedih odah baca e3 ni.xsangka kak yong ada kesah sedih dlm hidup..sian kak yong, makbonde n adik2...
xpela, kak yong..if kite xbole syg die,kite just maapkan dia.smg hati akak lbih tenang..
doakan dia agar berubah sblm terlmbt..
jd org laki, ayah mmg byk tangungjwb...xlakukan sebaik mungkin..ssh la nak ckp...
mybe dia xth.bg anak bini mkn pki sume tu sedekah kan..

kakyong said...

Salam semua,

setiap org kan ade bahagian masing2..
hmm, takut plak nak post kan sambungan entri ni.. takut org semakin salah faham pulak..
bukan sengaja nak luka hati2 sesiapa..
ini hanya catatn kehidupan saya..

apart from this, I'm a happy & +VE wife & mother..

Opah said...

Salam ziarah buat kak yong, cuba merasakan apa yang kak yong rasa tapi sampai bila pun takkan sama dengan apa yang ditanggung oleh kak yong dan bonda tercinta.Siapa dan bagaimanana pun dia dulu dan kini yang pasti dia adalah ayah kepada seorang wanita hebat yang berjaya dan bahagia pada hari ini. Opah doakan, Mudah-mudahan Allah takdirkan yang terbaik buat kak yong bonda dan ayahanda.

Ummi Hanie said...

salam kakyong

urm..ingatkan Hanie sorang jer yg xrapat dgn my dad .. rupenyer ade geng laa..

kite ni ade la beza sket , kakyong..kakyong ank sulung but Hanie ank bongsu . Hanie mmg disayangi tp xboleh nk rapat dgn abah.xtau la nape.semua anak2 dier camtu.knangan pahit tu mmg ade tp xnk ceritela kat cni k..

silversarina said...

Sebaknya akak baca n3 ni, tak sangka sampai macam tu sekali kisahnya.

Apapun sentiasa doakan agar Allah membuka hatinya untuk bertaubat dan kembali ke pangka jalan sebelum menutup mata. Amin.

miela77 said...

Kak yong, before this iela dengar cite sikit2 je..dari mak, org kampung, but now i got a picture what went wrong. Speechless...tak tau nak cakap apa coz it getting worst n worst...apa pun iela respect kat mak coz kuat semangat. Iela slalu gtau mak iela yang even abah beristeri empat tapi nasib mak tak seperti nasib mak mertua. Mak iela still dapat duit blanja every month..kalau sesekali terlewat atau tak bagi is better than tak bagi langsung..itu sebabnya mengapa kalau hujung minggu kalau tak de apa2 hal, iela rajin ajak mak kalau nak g beli barang kat tesco ke econsave ke..paling2 pun belikan tepung utknya...kalau kita tak support mak, siapa lagi kan...

Yan said...

salam kakyong..
sedeyla yan baca...
teringat ayah sendiri.. teringat kenangan waktu sebelum kawin dulu.. terase macam yan nipun antara anak yg tak baik juge.. tp yan sayang ayah.. sob sob.. sedey sedey..

ermm dimana ayah kakyong skang?? lost contact ke??? kakyong penah tau ape2 sejarah itam dlam idup dia yg membuatkan dia jadi camtu???

♥cybermummy♥ said...

salam kak yong .
feel sad when i read this...
No matter what had happen in your previous life..
Never look back and feel sad about it kak yong and allah know why u can't love him ...
The important thing now is that u have a happy family..
I pray to god may u always be blessed ..Amin

sitisifir10 said...

kakyong,
Mmm...1st saya tumpang frust utk kakyong :)

2nd, sekadar ingatan...if it is no ur father, thn it will be no you...

3rd, ingatan seterusnya, whatever ur father did or did not to U tak ada kaitan dengan what U have to do to ur father...'to respect him'

Kakyong, bukan niat saya menunjuk baik dalam hal ini, apatah lagi saya lagi budak compare to U tapi ur life will not give U any satisfaction untill U complete this part of LOVE.

Benar ia susah dan saya juga sedang mengharunginya. Jadi berusahalah setakat yang terdaya, lesunya rasa sayang itu ada ubatnya cuma kakyong kene cari ubatnya di mana.

Yati said...

Kakyong, macam sama je kisah family kita ni. Hehhe... apa-apa pun, malas nak pening pala pasal benda ni. Terima la balasannya kalau dia tak jalankan tanggungjawap dia sebagai bapak di akhirat nanti.

MaMaQaYPo FaMiLy said...

Salam kak Yong:

SEDIH bila baca En3 terbaru ni...

Setiap INSAN ada LIKU HIDUP yg tersendiri...

Jadikan IKTIBAR utk Suami & anak2 kak Yong yer!!

Anonymous said...

salam, kak bib... kita pernah jumpa di gath muslimat-net. kita dalam mailing list kengkawan yang itu skrg ;-) saya rasa kak bib boleh agak siapa saya...

Lepas baca ni, patutlah saya rasa macam kak bib ni semacam... semacam ni maksud saya, macam ada yg disembunyikan, disebalik cerianya kak yong... :-)

cerita kakyong tak jauh beza dgn cerita saya... tapi saya ada tambahan... saya turut melalui kisah seakan kak yati berahim (norhayati berahim)... ya, kami anak mangsa dera - fizikal + mental. Rendah diri? ya... kalau kak bib perasan penampilan saya yg dulu, masa kita berjumpa... ada semacam tak? heheh....

maafkan dia? ya saya maafkan ayah saya, dunia akhirat walaupun kini dia masih belum berubah.. saya anggap dia masih ayah saya.. dlm surat beranak saya ada nama dia... sayang tu tak tau lah.. tapi kasih tu.. kasihan dengan sikapnya... kesian dia yang sudah tak kuat fizikal, tapi egonya masih tinggi melangit. Barannya tak pernah surut - malah makin teruk.

Janggal dgn dia? ya... sangat janggal. Malah, saya selalunya selesa meletakkan nama saya tanpa namanya. Saya juga rasa amat janggal kalau terpaksa bersendirian dgn dia. Ini bukan dibuat-buat. Saya berharap saya tak perlu rasa begini.

kini, saya dianggapnya bukan anaknya sebab mak saya yg sudah tak tahan dgn dia, duduk di rumah saya...

lepas setahun lebih saya tak balik jumpa dia (sebab takut dia bawak senapang/parang - huhuuu), saya balik 2 minggu lepas, saya cuba beranikan diri... ku gagahkan jua.. tapi saya hantar wakil dulu utk 'test-market'.. suami jadi sasaran.. suami nak salam, dia tak ngaku anak.. katanya dia tak de anak...

hmm... lepas tu saya terus balik.... tak sanggup saya nak dengar dia tujukan perkataan 'dia tak de anak' tu direct ke saya... saya ni amat sensitif dan kuat merajuk.. tapi dalam masa yang sama, saya boleh memaafkan...

Buat kak bib.. sabarlah... cuba sedaya upaya memaafkan... Allah suka org yang berkasih sayang (memujuk diri sendiri jugak ni).. dan kalau boleh jgn dipanjangkan lagi entri ni...

A

Lady Qay said...

kak yong, sy sgt sdih bc entri kk yong..sy doa kak yong tbh...insYAllah ada hkmhnyer..

kakyong said...

kakyong mengucapkan terima kasih di atas semua komen kawan-kawan... terima kasih di atas ingatan & perhatian yang diberi.

sila lah sudi untuk membaca part 2 yer...

MiszMama@Haslinda said...

kak yong, semoga kak yong tabah. Cerita kakyong boleh kite jadikan pengajaran dan peringatan untuk kite dalam mendidik anak2 pulak.

nadnye said...

Kak Yong..
we in the same shoe.. I try to forget and forgive...

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